Thc days have become gray again. One after another. Seeming never to stop I hear people say it is a gloomy time
or that these are the days that bring out the blues out in one Implying that gray makes this time an in between one.  Not
bright and not dark.  Not really day and not really night I suppose like some sort of dream.

I never feel nor am I able to see the world in that manner.  To me it seems indicative of ones attitude about what is
occurring in the world around you. For me, gray days are just sunny days of a different color

Me, I like life. Life is not going to work or making money It certainly isn't spending it. Though others would
argue the point with me. Life isn't the premier of a new movie or play. The television is not life either. Although it
can display it for us. So what is life?

To me, this is a curious question that I asked as if there is no real answer. Sounds to me like
delusions of a fettered and over crowded world. I think to ask the question is the same as asking
why you breath.

Answer: because I can. I think that is life.  Life is, because it can.  It is the tiny, tiny little drops
of rain I can barely see falling from a gray sky.  Accumulating on the out-stretched arms of the magnificent and
wondrous trees that are all around us The tiny droplets become glistening little pearls on the bottom of the branches,
every now and then forming into small trains to run the tracks of bark and reaching the end of their line to finally be
set free to blow in the gentle breeze and then become something different and yet staying the same

You and I are life. You and I are the tiny little droplets in a becoming sort of state. Transition is life. I believe
WakanTanka provided this place for us to not only experience life, but to be part of the circle of life. Being
transsexual can he viewed as a blessing if you want it to. Myself, I have been able to live the life experience twice
over before transition and taking the task of transition on had enabled me to be born again in this life We do
naturally what all of humanity wishes it could do Grab hold of the reins of life and deal yourself a whole new hand
and over again as a new and different person but still holding on to the experiences and wisdom of a past life

We are indeed a special kind of spirit being. Don’t shy away from what life has to offer.  If
someone asks you to go somewhere you have never been, or someone asks you to do something
you have never done, GO FOR IT!  Every experience will make you stronger for the next bump in
the road and your regrets later in life will he far fewer than those of us that will shy away from things.

In the process of getting to where I am today, I have lost everything A small price to pay for a life gained I have
no real regrets as to how things have turned out, a few if onlys and some I wishes, sure. But for the most part, life is
grand. We all hold it in our hands And can share it with those around us This is what really goes on at the XX
CLUB No one ever says It. But it is sharing of and for each other. That is what support is. That is what love is. That
is what the XX Club Is LIFE.

A SNAPSHOT

I look out from that place behind my eyes and see the things around me that I can focus on and perceive with
perfect clarity. I am sure that is the beautiful green plant which I watered earlier today.  I am positive that the keys
beneath my fingers are buttons on the computer I see the cute little stuffed white bunny hanging from my desk lamp
And am quite sure that it is a tree.  I have no doubt that it is what I perceive. Not anything else. I also see a person
walking by my window And have no doubt that it is a young boy walking home from school.
I make my movements in this world based on my identification of objects and people around me. I have with my
many years of experience become quite good at recognition and navigation.

Al least I thought so...

There was a time I thought that I was clear of vision when it came to my own person. I have been reminded of
late that I have become complacent with the changes that have occurred to me over time, to the extent that I didn't
even recognize that I am changing every day. These changes add up and accumulate And then one day when I am
not aware, they appear And sunrise me with impact that stays with me.

Sometimes this can be quite pleasant. The reason this is an elusive thing for me is my ever recurring bad self
image. I am in my fourth year of transition. I am sure that it sounds strange that I could still be surprised by my
appearance but sometimes I still am. I visited friends this week who had taken my picture a couple of weeks earlier
and of course I had forgotten that, but Anyway, she gave me a copy when I visited this time. She had told me that it
was a real good picture. We have all had this happen and the first thing that comes to mind is it must be time for
Halloween.  Well, when I saw it, it was hard for me to believe that I was looking at me. I kept asking myself "could
this really be me?"  It just doesn't feel like I have finally become the woman I saw in the picture. I mean, I thought it
would be another ten or twenty years before I would get to where I am now. Seems like I won't be needing to buy
that new face or get that body transplant after all.

if you can identify with any of this, take heart. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be as hard on yourself
as I have been on myself And the next  time you look in a mirror, don't just see all the flaws that you think everyone
else sees. They probably don't. If you relax and sneak a look at yourself, you will probably find that woman you've
been looking for is looking right back at you.
 

Kayleen