The Official Newsletter of the XX Club
January-February 1997

Surely and truly, there are angels walking amongst us. And we, poor souls, go plodding on with our lives, for the most part unaware of their presence: yet blest, nevertheless, by their kind and selfless acts taken in our behalf.

This is just a short note of acknowledgment, to express my heartfelt gratitude to two such angels for their substantial financial gifts to the XX (Twenty) Club. In so doing, I am sure I speak for us all.

Both have given generously. One, we shall recognize at the December 28th meeting, in making known their act of thoughtfulness and love. The other, we can only thank anonymously, for they [whether he or she really doesn't matter all that much, does it?] have given anonymously, from their heart and their pocketbook.

For many, this time of year is an especially difficult one: a time, supposedly, of joy, goodwill and sharing, may hold instead loneliness, uncertainty, pain, and rejection. It may for some be a time, even, of questioning their own will to go on - - to face this bleak, dreadful day, and the next, and the next.

Let us hold these, our brothers and sisters, in the awareness of our thoughts, our hearts, and our prayers. Let us now reach out to them in love and understanding and support, just as others have so often extended themselves to us in our own hour of deepest darkness and despair. For, truly, we have all been there.

Let us not judge others for the mistakes they seem to have made, or the way they may seem to lead their lives, simply because their situation may seem to differ in some respect from our own. for in truth there is no difference. Let us recognize that we are all brothers and sisters. We are all good people, trying to make it through this difficult passage the best we know how, despite a seeming host of troubles, trials, and afflictions. We are together; we are not alone: we have one another.

And yes, truly, there are angels who walk in our midst. Let us stop and take a moment to give thanks for their presence and their love; and let us, in remembrance, pass the gifts and blessings these kind souls have shared - - unasked - - with us, onward to others. For, truly, in this is found the value and spirit of life. Without us, it just won't happen. But with us, truly, it cannot fail.

you are the light of the world." - - Matthew 5:14

The holiday rush is now over and it's time to get back to the same old same old. Not much new from the editors desk except thank-you to all who have contributed to the newsletter. It makes my job a little easier and believe it or not enjoyable too.

I do have a short saying to pass on to all. It was received from a dear friend who is very supportive of my decision. It was written anonymously. Listen to your heart, finding out who you are, is not simple. It takes time for the chatter to quiet down. In the silence of not doing, we begin to know what we feel. If we listen and hear what is being offered, then anything in life can be our guide. Listen..

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

In the November/December Newsletter, there was a letter to the Editor offering thanks to the hard work done by you and previous editors. I fully endorse this and would like to add an appreciation of my own to all officers of the Twenty Club. I personally have served on the executive board of a number of organizations, managing bank accounts, arranging for speakers, mailing agendas, etc. so I am familiar with the amount of work our executive board does. And while there are positions for six, I read only four names - an indication that many do double work. My bonnet's off to them! Keep up the good work!

REFLECTIONS

In 2 days I will turn 45, the "dro-dead" date I had set as my goal for being complete, including SRS. The date I set back on November 5th, 1993 when I "kicked open" the door from my "closet", vowing never to return to it. This was the second time I had ventured from it's protection. This time I succeeded in ripping the door off it's hinges.

I had no idea back on that Friday morning that my goal would get pushed back over and over again. I had no idea that my divorce that I was about to file was going to take longer than the normal 6 months it should have taken. My spouse tried using the fact that I was diagnosed a Transsexual (302.53) back in 1982 as the reason for her unfaithfulness to me which she started in 1992. The diagnosis came at the end of the 3rd and 4th "three week' stays in private a hospital in Massachusetts during 1981 and 1982. Those last 2 stays included a total of 16 sessions of Electro-Shock Therapy treatments. She told them that her family doctor said a person cannot be cured of mental illness and that when it recurs in about 10 or 15 years, the person has to go back for more shock treatments. When she presented these facts to the various judges we stood in front of, all 3 agreed that if my being diagnosed a TS was the issue, she should have divorced me back in 1982. Bitter from their decisions, she dragged the divorce out for 18 months.

Besides losing everything to her, including custody of my 11 year old son, Justin, whom I love dearly, the length of the divorce put me in such a financial bind that I had to file bankruptcy. That became final on the first of this past July.

Now my new projected goal is pushed back 3 more years. If I save all my vacation pay for the next 3 years, I will be able to go to Dr. Menard, provided he doesn't go up in his prices by then. It may be wishful thinking, but at least, for now, it is a realistic goal that I can live with, And, maybe if it is in God's plan for me, I might be fortunate to get surgery before that date.

Another ambition was to attend the support meetings in Hartford on a regular basis. WRONG! I've only attended 1 so far, that was in the early part of this past summer. Kristen was up from Virginia and the 2 of us went together. (You may remember Kristen ... early 20's, tall, thin, gorgeous long straight red hair ... she used to frequent your gatherings back in 1993)

I remember we were sitting in a circle and each person told who they were and why they were there. When my turn came, I gave my name as JERRY, that I had come with Kristen and that 1, too, was a Transsexual. I stopped for a moment wondering about what I had just said. It's hard to tell friends and/or family and here I was bearing my soul to total strangers.

I went on to tell how I was diagnosed back in '81 -'82. 1 also went on to tell how my ex's family doctor (who was a psychiatrist) was disappointed when told that I had received only half of the 32 shock treatments he wanted me to have. His "cure" was to bum the idea right out of my head.

I was taken back when one person sitting several seats to my left remarked on how she had heard of people like me but had never met one before. Not knowing what she meant, I asked Michael, my therapist, the following Monday. He told me that there were a number of TS's back then who committed suicide. The only help society gave them was shock therapy with no hope of any other kind of help.

I guess what got me through was my marriage vows. I had given my word to Elizabeth an to God that I would stay married to her for better or worse. A person is only as good as her or his word and my word means something to me. It must have, I stayed faithful to Elizabeth for the last 3 years of our marriage while she was cheating on me. I would have stayed married to her if it wasn't for the fact that persons told me that per the Bible, the only allowable reason for divorce was adultery. At that moment, 1 felt like I had been released from my own vow and was finally able to get on with my life. That's when I busted down my closet door.

I am also thankful for that special person who reached out to me from deep down in her closet ... NO, that was MY closet ... and stopped GERALD short, before each of his 2 attempts at putting an end to it all. I no longer have need for GERALD or his "protective" shell. His work is over and may he now rest in the peace he so rightly deserves.

To that person in the meeting, I thank you for opening my eyes to horrors of that period and to the fact that I was indeed lucky to have survived them. I feel saddened, though, that so many others were also abused and that society gave them no other means of relief from their personal I-IELL.

What is now stopping me at the present from attending your group, Lord knows I could use support, is two-fold. I have custody of my son, Justin, on alternating weekends. We both look forward to that time together. I might have him on the Ist and 3rd weekends of the month until a month comes along with 5 weekends in it. Then we're together on the 2nd and 4th weekends for a period on time. That wipes out about half of your meetings for the up coming year. The other reason is I started Electrolysis the 1st week of July and have had an hour session every Monday night since then. To pay for these sessions, I have been working overtime at my job. Five hours extra on every other Saturday pays for 2 one-hour sessions. Luckily, my boss usually asks me to work overtime on those weekends that I don't have Justin.

I don't know if he knows about me yet, but when I told a coworker last year, his answer was that he knew about me for some time and was just waiting to see when I would do something about it. I recently found out that when I was in the private hospital back in '81 -'82, my wife was calling my employer and telling anybody she could reach there about my intentions. I'm lucky I didn't get fired back then. Then again, I have heard of people at work who have refereed to me as "Snip-it" and "He-She-It". I guess it could be worse, at least nobody has had the nerve to tell it to my face.

That's it for now. To all those at the meeting I attended who were concerned about me. THANK YOU. I'm still out here trudging along. I talk daily to God, I gain strength in the knowledge that I am not alone in this and that I have met some of my "peers", some who have gone before me and some who are traveling along side of me, only on different paths.

If only we were allowed one wish in our lifetime ... mine would be that I be the LAST person to have to go through this ... that everyone to come after me be born so that their bodies and souls match perfectly.

WHAT IS LIFE?

The days have become gray again. One after another. Seeming never to stop. I hear people say it is a gloomy time. Or that these are the days that bring the blues out in one. Implying that gray makes this time an in-between one. Not bright and not dark. Not really day and not really night. I suppose like some sort of dream.

I never feel nor am I able to see the world in that manner. It certainly is not spending it. Though others would argue the Point with me. life is not the premier of a new movie or play. The television is not life either, although it can display it for us. So what is life?

To me, this is a curious question that is asked as if there is no real answer. Sounds to me like delusions of a fettered and aver crowded world. I think to ask the question is the same as asking why you breath.

Answer: because I can. I think that is life. Life is, because it can. It is tiny, tiny little drops of rain I can barely see falling from a gray sky. Accumulating on the out stretched arms of magnificent and wondrous trees that are all around us. The tiny droplets becoming glistening little pearls on the bottom of the branches, every now and then forming into small trains to run the tracks of bark and reaching the end of their line to finally be set free to low in the gentle breeze and then become something different and yet staying the same.

You and I are life. You and I are the tiny little droplets in a becoming sort of state. Transition is life. I believe Wakan Tanka Provided this place for us to not only experience life but to be part of the circle of life. Being Transsexual can be viewed as a blessing if you want it to. Myself, I have been able to live the life experience twice over before transition and taking the task of transition on has enabled me to be born again in this life. We do naturally what all of humanity wishes they could do. Grab hold of the reins of life and deal yourself a whole new hand and start over again as a new and different person but still holding on to the experiences and wisdom of a past life.

We are indeed a special kind of spirit being. Don't shy away from what life has to offer. If someone asks you to go somewhere you have never been or someone asks you to do something you have never done, GO FOR IT! Every experience will make you stronger for the next bump in the road and your regrets later in life will be far fewer than those of us that will shy away from things.

In the process of getting to where I am today, I have lost everything. A small price to pay for a life gained. I have no real regrets as to how things have tamed out, a few if only and some wishes, sure. But for the most part, life is grand. We all hold it in our hands and can share it with those around us. This is what really goes on at the XX CLUB. No one ever says it, but it is the sharing of and for each other. That is what support is. That is what love is. That is what the XX CLUB is. Life.

A SNAPSHOT.- A short story

I look out from the place behind my eyes and see the things around me that I can focus on and perceive with perfect clarity. I am sure that that is the beautiful green plant which I watered earlier today. I am positive that the keys beneath my fingers are buttons on my computer. I see the cute little stuffed white bunny hanging from my desk lamp and I am quite sure that it is a bunny. I see that living thing in the ground and I am also sure that it is a tree. I have no doubt that that is what I perceive. Not anything else. I also see a person walking by my window and have no doubt that it is a young boy walking home from school.

I make my movements in this world based on my identification of the objects and people around me. I have, with many years of experience, become quite good at recognizing and navigation. least I thought so....

There was a time I thought that I was clear of vision when it came to my own person. I have been reminded of late that I have become complacent with the changes that have occurred to me over changing every day. these changes add up and accumulate and then, one day, when I am not aware, they appear and surprise me with an impact that stays with me.

Sometimes this can be quite pleasant. the reason this is an elusive thing for me is my ever recurring bad self image. I am in my fourth year of transition. I am sure that it sounds strange that I could still be surprised by my appearance but sometimes I still am. I visited friends this week who had taken my picture a couple of weeks earlier and of course I had forgotten that, but anyway, she gave me a copy when I visited this time. She had told me it was a real good picture. We have all had this happen and the first thing that comes to mind is it must be time for Halloween. Well, sheen I saw it, it was hard for me to believe that I was looking at me. It just doesn't feel like I have finally become the woman I saw in the picture. I mean I thought it would be another ten or twenty years before I would get to where I am now. Seems like I won't be needing to buy that new face or get that body transplant after all.

If you can identify with any of this, take heart. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be as hard on yourself as I have been on myself. If you relax and sneak a look at yourself, you will probably find that woman you've been looking for looking right back at you.

I ASK MYSELF

Why do things have to be the way they are? I ask myself this question often. Usually I have the answer to the questions that I At toss around when I am alone, at least I think I do, but this one always leaves me feeling sort of blank. Like it wasn't a real question to start with. I guess that it is just one of those dumb questions that have plagued me all my Life. Why are they that way? When I Ask myself this question, a funny little thing happens to me. I can't think anymore. The wheels all stop turning. My life comes to a screeching halt. I don't even know if I continue to breath or if that stops also. My hearing seems not to work anymore either. The sounds of life around me seem to just get turned off. One sound always remains the same. It is kind of like a ringing but not really a ringing. It has a kind of softness that sweeps over me, feeling like a thick but light blanket of insulation that makes everything stop.

Nothing can reach me anymore. I can't feel my body and I can't move, can't even move a muscle. My eyes won't blink and I can't turn my gaze to anywhere else. My sense of touch is gone and I can no longer feel the warmth of the air on my skin.

My emotions are gone and I no longer feel anything inside of myself. My problems have all left me. My pain is consumed by the nothingness I have become. The world has dissolved before me and I have become nothing but myself. I am free again at last. Time has become what it really is, just a thing conjured up by those who would be our masters. But they can never come here. Only we may.1 believe we are a special lot. Granted entrance to this place because our life has been hard and because we have earned it. The ability to come here and become yourself again. It will never be lonely here for you, I'll be here and if not, one of the others will.

Mtakuye Oyasin, For all my Relations.