People judge others by the way they look, act, move, sound, and—ah, yes!—even smell. This is, to be sure, a valuable survival mechanism, developed over thousands of years, to distinguish friend from foe, prey from predator, to separate potential mates from duds. It serves as a basis for either-or decisions, as we choose how to relate to one another. Let us consider several other pairs of dyadic complements: male-female; masculine-feminine; conscious-subconscious; comfort-discomfort; underdone-overdone- static-dynamic; outer-inner; and the bottom line: true-false.
1.) Male-female. This is the first thing people usually register. You would like for them to see you `correctly' and clearly, with no doubts or confusion, either blatant or lingering. That would be the best of all possible worlds.
Generally, in our species, males are physically larger and taller, with broader shoulders and greater upper-body strength than females. They have larger heads, hands, feet, ears, and noses; hairier faces, eyebrows, hands, and arms; deeper voices, Adam's apples, and narrower hips. Hormones, electrolysis, and cosmetic surgery can alter some of these characteristics, but not all. Some can be managed through personal grooming and practice: I've seen way too many hairy arms and backs of hands, and heard way too many deep voices, including my own.
2.) Masculine-feminine These usually correlate with M-F # 1, above. When they conflict, an observer may experience cognitive dissonance, meaning things just don't add up right. I believe many characteristics of this category are essentially cultural and learned, rather than organic or innate, and that they are exhibited Along the way she said something like "and you know, some of those TSs actually wear pants!" Whereupon we all looked down, and lo and behold! Judy and I, in deference to the inclement weather, had on our blue jeans (and tennis shoes). One of those perfect moments-you had to be there. Case closed. Through many kinds of [unconscious] behavior. I've seen too many `women' walk with that telltale truck driver swagger, arms and shoulders swinging about, or (worse) sit/slouch with knees a mile apart while wearing a skirt. Sadly, this offers everyone else a gorgeous scenic vista right up to Bakersfield. Whoa! Please, don't! Do become more aware of your body, its posture and movements.
3.) Conscious-subconscious. Much of the time, many of the things we do and the ways in which we do them occur at unconscious or subconscious levels. You can consciously learn and unlearn gender-based behavior until at some point, hopefully, it becomes sufficiently ingrained that you can safely forget about doing it consciously. Now, that's a big step, but it is feasible. People watching can tell the difference. Usually, conscious—but false—behavior is detectable and is called affectation. In general, this is not desirable.
4.) Comfort-discomfort. Trying anything new or unfamiliar,
like performing in a new role, can engender discomfort and self-doubt After
a while, though, many of your newly-adapted personal behavioral characteristics
will become
internalized—i.e., subconscious: you won't have to think so
much about `doing' gender. it will all become a natural part of you. So,
try not to let your insecurity show—it's a dead giveaway. Believe it or
not, members of the opposite sex (whichever that may be), when feeling
personal discomfort, often put on an air of blase cool. Sometimes that
works long enough to get out of a bad situation. Much better, surely, than
visibly quaking in your brand new glittering 5" $600 llama leather Gucci
booties. Oh! Did I say 5"???
5.) Underdone-overdone. There is a human tendency to overreact in the face of perceived weaknesses or deficiencies, in hopes of covering them up. But most real people don't wear 5" frou frou'd hair, 5" painted nails, 5' spike heels, 5" miniskirts, 5" thick makeup, 5" artificial breasts or hip pads, or 5", thick clouds of perfume. This is my 5" rule (just made it up). Be practical! Dress appropriately! Many women wear little or no makeup. Many women wear pants. An illustration: I recall one rainy November night at COS way back in 1991. As Judy and I listened, `Griselda,' a self-professed TV, was enumerating to a newcomer (whose personal dress code flew inflagrante delicto Of the 5" rule) some differences between TVs and TSs.
6.) Static-dynamic. Real life is dynamic—it moves, you move. A photograph is static. You be able to achieve that picture-perfect photographic image, but it's likely to crack or fade in life. Real people move. Sometimes, when appropriate, they do sit still, observe and listen, and close their mouths. Even this can be a most dynamic experience.
7.) Outer-inner First, look outward, to appearances. The outer reflects the inner. We infer what's inside from what we see outside. Observe. Observe others—how they look, dress, move, sound, sit, stand, walk, smile, inflect ... See how natural they seem. They don't have to act. They are! You want to look natural, too, without seeming to be trying too hard. Observe yourself from outside. Not just through mirrors. Taperecord your voice and play it back—you may be horrified by what you hear, but keep practicing. Have a friend `spot' for you, critique your presentation. Be open to constructive criticism, not offended. It may be painful, but it's meant to help. You may have much to gain from it.
Next, look inward, to what is real, to what's in your heart. Observe what is there. Be honest with yourself Too many people have been blinded by that outer illusion to see what's really inside, what is true. This can lead to tragic consequences. Never forget that appearances, in a deeper sense, are illusions. Fleeting, they come and go like the wind, like a dream. Recognize t . hem for that, and you'll be miles ahead.
8.) True-false. True passing involves being yourself. Don't try to reach for some false ideal that's not yourself It's not the nail polish, the hair, the exotic clothes you see in women's magazines. The key is not found in some jar of expensive facial goop, but rather within your very own., very human., heart.. It's your own very human life.
Still, be careful out there. Keep your eyes open. The world is full
of predators who would love nothing better than to have you for breakfast.
Like Michael says, "Ya better eat your -Wheaties!"-
The Glass Globes
A little time,
To let the energies
And emotions
Cleanly pass.
These lessons in Balance,
Like watching a juggler,
With globes made of
Finely spun glass.
Watching them as they go,
Around the Circle of Life.
Reflecting times of darkness,
And times of soft-hued light.
Each spinning globe,
So delicate and fine.
Like Aspects of Self,
cast in the great design.
And my house of spirit
So ancient and knowing.
In wonder and awe,
Ever evolved and growing.
The creation I call me,
Blessed by the divine Mother.
In my life seeking reasons,
Each day anew, to discover.
Awaiting the morning light,
To see the blossoming of flowers.
My heart, in love growing,
As I come into my powers.
-KFB
True Selves is a book about the transsexual experience, written to speak to people with gender questions, open transsexuals, friends and families, therapists and others with an interest in the subject.
Co-authored by Mildred Brown, a therapist, and .Journalist Cloe Ann Rounsley, this book- is an Introduction to the unusual and confusing world of the transsexual struggle.
The book is easy to read. It combines current information on clinical and scientific issues with touching stories of the lives, feelings and experiences of transsexuals.
The uniqueness of True Selves is it's respectful and compassionate approach to the transsexual community and the people who are impacted by the process. The authors acknowledge the difficulty everyone faces when confronting this issue.
The book includes definitions, theories of gender; childhood, teen, and adult experiences; therapy and the therapist's role; transition; medical and surgical options; and guidelines for support for both the transsexual and the people around them.
True Selves includes a section entitled "In Their Own Words", containing passages by transsexuals which the wide range of emotions a transsexual experiences. It also includes a resource guide to organizations with phone numbers and websites.
True Selves brings clarity, understanding, and reality to a difficult subject in an easily readable form and salutes the humanity of everyone involved. If you or anyone you know has questions about the transsexual world, this should be the first place you visit. It may make the journey easier.
Reviewed by Jessica Winograd
This period for me,
one of intense discovery
as I, in curiosity explore
this thing called androgyny.
A woman in transition,
I must use this time
with conviction,
taking every advantage I am
entitled to,
in this unique opportunity.
Such a brief period,
this will seem, when
I look back someday.
Having that wispy
quality which accompanies
but partly remembered dreams.
And so I shall explore
this new and exciting shore
eyes opened wide to see
the many facets of reality.
The differences in how
others behave and feel,
learning and experiencing
my changing self, knowing
only that which is inside
is what is truly real.
-KFB
In the story, Ms. Wells tells the fictional story of a man who deserts his wife and children by appearing to die, while actually going through gender shift and assuming an new identity as a woman. This story of pain and betrayal ends with the hero feeling very sorry for himself but also feeling completely justified in his decision to abandon his life because there was not "total" and "unconditional" love at home.
The notion that transgender allows anyone to abandon their responsibilities to others, to abandon home and family just because it isn't exactly the way they want it is utterly and completely offensive. As humans we have responsibilities, and we must carry them out. For example, "deadbeat parents" who choose to abandon their responsibility and to stop contributing to the maintenance of their children are a serious problem in this country, and one that we all end up paying for.
We all want total and unconditional love, but many of have found that the only way to get that love is to give that love. The Beatles sang: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Abandoning those you have a responsibility to is not a good way to show your own total, unconditional and unbounded love.
While we all have a responsibility to be true to ourselves, and we all know that change means that some relationships must end, even in divorce, the notion that allows us to simply walk out on all responsibilities is completely invidious. It sets up a climate where people don't take responsibilities for their actions, like taking the sacred marriage vows or choosing to have children. When this happens, -all of society is in a downspin, leading others to not take responsibilities for their actions, which may include, for example, abusing transgendered people. If we want others to be responsible, we must be responsible.
No matter how much there is a Madonna (an image used throughout the story) in the soul of Dan Diamond, the actions of the character are completely antithetical to the true meaning of Christian love. By abandoning his children, and the rest of his family, while still "protecting his sons" in his heart because of a "lack of tolerance, understanding and real love," he actually creates more intolerance, ignorance, anger and fear which perpetuates and even expands the pain felt by all the characters in the story. In fact, Diamond is the cause of all the pain, not because of his inherent transgendered nature but by the selfishness, callousness and childishness of the actions of abandonment he chooses to make.
Rather than to build bonds, find connection, and create the strength of love, Diamond destroys them, in effect removing all of his chances to find the love that he so deeply craves. He creates the seeds of his own pain and destruction and nurtures them diligently while refusing to nurture those who he has brought into this world.
Yet, Ms. Wells paints Diamond as a sympathetic character, one to be understood and pitied, rather than as the fool and deserter that he truly is. She attempts to get us to agree with his choices, to wallow in his self pity.
I, for one, refuse to support the self pity of another, be they fictional or real. In fiction we have the opportunity of really exploring what is important, of putting life in context. When we are unbound by facts we can tell the truth. Ms. Well's truth in this story is one that cannot be supported or even accepted by anyone who understands the importance of everyone taking responsibility for their actions.
Transgender is not an excuse to act like a monster, to wallow in denial and self pity. Yes, transgendered people bear a great deal of stigma in this heterosexist world, as do many others, including people of color. Is it acceptable for black men to run out on their parental obligations because they don't feel total and unconditional love? If you approve of the actions of Diamond, then obviously this is also acceptable.
Can we ever learn to overcome words, hurt, pain, longing, loss, as Diamond can never do? If we don't, and, moreover, if we use these things as excuses to justify repugnant behavior, then we are contributing to a world where everyone will have an excuse to act like a monster, not a human. This is not somewhere I want to live.
In short, while I appreciate the unique ability of fiction to bring up subjects for d n, I feel it is crucial that we discuss the actions of Diamond in Ms. Wells' story — and we thoroughly and utterly condemn his actions, as we would condemn anyone who took these actions in real fife. We need not to find reasons to excuse monstrous behavior, but rather to praise those who were able to retain their special human gifts even in the face of all the pain that humans can endure. Let us idolize those for ,whom love -triumphs, not -those who fall -to -the base emotions and act in odious, and abominable ways out of pain, shame and denial.
We can only hope that Ms. Wells' true meaning was to give us a chance to condemn those who would act as contemptibly as Diamond does - no matter how much he believes he is the Madonna.
Callan Williams