Twenty
The official newsletter of
The Twenty (XX) Club, Inc.
November-December 1998
In This Issue
A MOTHER'S JOURNEY:
EMBRACING A NEW SON
Mary Boenke
(from In the Family, Summer 1998)
About two years ago our long time beloved and beautiful
lesbian daughter
came out to us a second time - as a transsexual. My journey to a place
of
comfort with this, while easier and quicker than for most parents,
was still
fraught with numerous hurdles, probably not unlike what many others
go
through in similar circumstances.
My husband, John, of 44 years and I
have three fine adult children, two
just-right in-laws, and five beautiful grandchildren. We feel
blessed,
indeed. When our middle child, Helen, came out to us as a lesbian
after her
freshman year of college, we were totally unsuspecting, uneducated
and ill-
prepared for this announcement. She said we handled it OK, though
in
retrospect we know we could have done much better. We told her
immediately we
still loved her and everything would work out - but then didn't discuss
it
much for many years. When I turned to my husband, John, desparately
needing
to process this information, he said, in his typical good sense brevity,
"We
still love her, she's still our daughter, we can't change her.
What is there
to talk about?"
She finished college, moved west, taught music
and performed, acquired a
lover, bought a nice house. We gradualy became comfortable
with the subject,
relaxed and felt grateful that all our children seemed appropriately
partnered
and happy.
It was interesting how all three arrived
at that point. Mark was shy,
dated little, but finaly found THE right woman, who also does computer
graphics, and they now have three bouncey chldren. Helen
seemed cautious
developing lesbian relationships, but then found her mate and seemed
content.
Myra made up for the others, was dating and active early, married
young,
divorced, remarried and now seems to have it all, -Ph.D., family and
a
successful career.
Then, in May 1995 Mark was diagnosed
with Accute Myelogenous Leukemia,
just in time to save his life. I stayed with him in the hospital
for two
month-long gruelling chemo treatments and recovery so Lori could focus
on her
new computer business, the children and household. Mark's risky
bone marrow
transplant was looming when Helen's first announcement that she
MIGHT be a
transsexual was leaked to us, with permission, via her sister.
I was
probably already a too numb to comprehend the full implications of
this.
Again we were caught by surprise, with no prior
inklings, no acquaintance
with any such people and abolutely no information on this subject.
As is my
custom when confronted with an emotional hurdle, I read,
spoke with many
folks, and went to my third annual PFLAG (Parents Families and Friends)
conference looking for other parents of trans folks. Luckily,
I found them.
We organized PFLAG's Transgendered Network, and an on-line network
was
started, which soon had a hundred family members and trans folks. I
listened,
asked many, many questions, and learned. Email saved my life,
or at least
made it bearable. When I later met Mark in the Berkeley hospital
for his
transplant, he already had his computer hooked up, and soon had me
back on-
line as well, continuing contact with my new "trans family."
We actually had
much to enjoy together for a few days, -until the grisly effects of
the
radical chemo treatment set in.
In the meantime, Helen and I started out corresponding
frequently; I had
endless questions and needed reassurance this was for real and the
right path
for her. Then she withdrew; email and phone conversations grew
infrequent. I
didn't understand why. An email, forwarded from another
trans-mother by
mistake to me at the hospital, informed me Helen had decided to go
ahead with
the transititon. The withdrawal became as painful and threatening
to me, as
the coming transition. Why would our beloved child reject her
family just
when her own life was in a kind of crisis? I felt bypassed and
bereft, a
stranger in Berkeley, with one son undergoing a dangerous and agonizing
treatment while another child seemed to be jumping off the edge of
the earth
I grew angry at the thought of being denied
ever again seeing that truly
pretty face, the lack of communication, and the worry that she might
be doing
this for the wrong reason, a need to find another special group to
which she
could belong. How could we possibly think this was the appropriate
direction
for our lovely daughter?
Luckily, I found a weekly women's support group,
a wonderful group that
listened, did not question or even comment, and gave unconditional
suport. I
was able to unload my fears about Helen's transition, about losing
a
daughter, and about feeling rejected. I'm pretty tightly wrapped
and can't
remember crying out loud since childhood, but there I was able to let
go, get
it out and begin my own healing. What I also heard myself
describing was a
mother-child relationship, more inter-dependent than the others, ever
since
Helen's infancy hospitalization, abandonment experience, and subsequent
clinging to me.
So, when Helen changed her name to Allen, the
hormones started and the
voice dropped an octave we hd to face the reality of transition "for
real."
Just how does a mother, who has changed a child's diapers a thousand
times or
more, knows and loves this daughter's perfect body very well, ever
learn to
start saying "Allen"? Only with great difficulty, born
of necessity, and a
yearning to maintain the relationship. At one point Allen
asked if he could
call me "Mary"; could we be more like "friends"? I couldn't
handle that;
still can't. We made an agreement we honor still. He would
continue to call
me Mom; I would call him Allen.
Yet, the name change was easy compared to the
switch to male pronouns. I
still get confused when discussing Allen's past; I see a pretty
girl-child in
my mind and say "she". That works unless we are with people who
are unaware
of Allen's past and give me a strange look.. On the other hand,
how can I
refer to my son who was a lesbian for many years? I don't know
an all-purpose
solution except to stay alert and handle each situation as it happens.
I also
backed off, sent less email, asked fewer questions, had no phone calls
for
months. If Allen needed space I was determined to honor that
need, as well.
At the same time I was putting on a brave and
accepting front, I confess
to having flashes of imagining that perfect body and shuddering
at the
proposed changes to be wrought by hormones and scalpel. On the
other hand,
some memories surfaced that helped us understand. We recalled
that Helen had
refused to wear a skirt since age ten or so, that she wrote a
number of short
stories as a teenager, in first person as a male character, all with
sexual
themes, that she hung around gay boys, that she once (but only once
to our
ears) said she always wanted to be a boy. We had thought, for
years, this was
all because she was a lesbian. Now we realize that many characteristics,
as
dress, body language, hair style, often identified as gay or
lesbian traits,
really have nothing to do with one's sexual orientation and everything
to do
with one's gender identity and gender presentation.
The near hiatus lasted almost two years.
When I couldn't stand it any
longer; when I wanted to know at least what this emerging son
of ours looked
like, I emailed and asked if we could come for a visit. Allen
agreed. He had
been on bi-weekly shots, self-admnistered, for six months and was beginning
to
live full-time as a man. When I told one of my email buddies
I was
apprehensive, not knowing what to expect, he said, "Expect to
find someone
who looks like your former daughter's twin brother!" That concept,
from
another female to male (FTM) transsexual, made perfect sense
and gave me
something to hold onto.
Indeed, it was true. Allen looked
very male, but we could also still
see Helen there. He sounded male, looked more muscular, thicker
around the
neck and waist. After all, the testosterone shots are much like
steroids.
What we had not anticipated, but were pleased to find, was increased
assertiveness, more confidence, perhaps even a higher enegy level.
Together
we worked at house painting, gardening and preprations for selling
the home
Allen and his partner owned. John and Allen went out for a beer
together;
John bought him his first electric razor. We had a great visit
and came away
reassured that this did, indeed, seem to be the right path for our
new son.
Under the new exterior was (almost) the same personality, family memories,
sense of humor, voice inflecions, love; still our kid.
I realized, in retrospect, that I had gone
through a process similar to
the stages of grief we have learned to expect from our years of comforting
parents of gay, lsbian and bi-sexual children. Shock - I was
certainly numb
at first, not at all realizing the full import of the announement.
Denial - I
hoped she would change her mind; surely such a rare condition
could not be
happening to our own daughter! Guilt - how could we have prevented
this?
Should we have realized it sooner and been there to help? Anger
- I felt
Allen was ripping my lovely daughter away from me, I was dismayed by
his
distancing from the family.. Embarassment- whom can I tell? Who
could
possibly understand? Grief - never seeing my daughter or her
lovely face
again, as such, seemed unbearable at times, and I cried... Acceptance
- OK,
so let's get on with it, learn all we can, maybe even make the world
a little
safer and more comfortable for our kid and other like him. Acceptance
came, I
think, when I was able to focuse less on my own feelings and more on
Allen,
his many challenges, and on others.
Interestingly, when Helen broke the transsexual
news to her long-time
lesbian partner and also ended the relationship, her partner was
understandably upset - but later decided s/he was transgendered as
well. I
was reminded that we often select partners with whom we have more in
common
that we realize.
Perhaps some clarification of the transition
process and terms is in
order. Briefly, gender transition usually requires some months
in couseling,
searching out one's true identity, then the beginning of lifelong hormone
shots which bring on the bodily changes, and, when one is ready, beginning
to
live full time in the new gender. After a year, transsexuals
may then present
themselves for Sexual Reassignment Surgery. Often the "top surgery"
is done
first, followed by removal of the testicles or a hysterectomy, so that
the
hormonal dosage may be reduced. Vaginal reconstruction is quite
successful as
new technology produces a vagina that is self-lubricating and orgasmic.
While
FTM's often "pass" more readily, their genital surgery is less
successful.
The state of the art, unfortunately, does not yet produce a fully
functional
penis, though the testosterone shots often enlarge the clitoris
I have come to use Transgendered as the umbrella
term to designate a wide
variety of persons in the gender spectrum, from transsexuals who chose
to have
surgery and live full time, permanently in the new gender, to
cross dressers,
who feel the need to express their other gender only part time.
In the middle
are some who are inter-sexed with mixed genitalia, some with unusual
chromosonal pattern, transgenderists who wish to live full time in
the new
gender but without surgery and sometimes, even without the help of
hormones.,
and even some who chose to live as neither male or female.. (Some
use
different terms and there are other categories, as well.)
I was struck with the great variety, approaching
a gender contiuum. It
recalled to me what I'd been taught years ago. .Kinsey demonstrated
that
relatively few persons are purely homosexual or heterosexual and most
fall
inbetween - an orientation continuum. Since then I was struck
again with the
many ways in which our western civilization insists on dichotomizing
many
things, somewhat arbitrarily, denying other options, the
middle ground. We
are, after all, not tall or short, fat or thin, smart or stupid, black
or
white; nature love variety and we each claim our places somewhere
on many
continua. How much richer we are for this variety!
So now I say to
transgendered people, if I want clarification, just tell me who you
are and
that's fine with me. I will honor the right to self-identify,
even if the
package I see fits none of my past stereotypes.
I have learned, too, that while labels seem
so necessary, they have only
limited and temporary utility. For instance, we catagorize people
in order to
talk about them, but every category draws lines, omits some relevant
data, and
eventually additional information forces us to further define those
words,
find new ones, or discard the new data. Too often we've done
the latter, and
many persons have gone unseen and unacknowledged, with much pain, for
who they
really are. Then, too, the English language lacks a word for
"adult children"
as well as pronouns for folks who identify as neither male or female
(though
si and hir are gaining popularity.)
These concepts - continua and the richness of nature
on the one hand and
the limitations of words on the other hand have shaken my former view.
of
reality. We are all more connected that I formerly realized.
I am emerging
feeling closer, more akin to all people and things, with a whole new
world
view. How strange and wondrous that a family emotional crisis
can have such
far-ranging effects!
Allen had a breast reduction and a hysterectomy.
He no longer tightly
wraps his torso or endures menstrual periods and has reduced the injected
homones.. He was recently promoted to a supervisory-type position
at work,
where he handles customer complaints for a large West Coast company.
And he
is buying a new home. He called the other evening, excited to
tell us all.
He said that email just wasn't a good enough contact and wanted to
talk by
phone! (I am choking up, just writing this...) It was music
to my ears. The
real music, of course, is his obvious happiness.
Mark's transplant was successful and his leukemia
remains in remission.
Though both he and his hair are thinner, he feels completely well and
is now
leading a very active and happy family life.
As for me - I've become Co-Chair of PFLAG's
Transgendered Network, which
now has two email networks, a Helpline providing comfort to transfolks
and
parents alike, mails literature to all who call, has written
and published a
booklet for families and friends called Our Trans Children, does a
myriad of
speaking engagements, media events and lobbying, and has Transgendered
Coordinators in over 160 PFLAG chapters. It's especially exciting
when those
of us who have been email colleagues get to meet face to face!
I've had a
truly remarkable learning experience, but the real payoff is a host
of
wonderful, courageous, resourceful and self-aware new friends, country-wide.
Some trans folks have written how the onset
of new hormones "messed them
up" emotionally, how they had to go back to their teens and grow up
again in
their new gender, learn new body language, new ways of relating to
both men
and women and how hard they were to live with during this period.
I believe
now that Allen needed space to become comfortable with himself as a
man, to
learn a new walk and ways to talk, to grow more confident, and to relate
to us
from a position of greater independence. Aside from missing him
mightily
during this period, we feel he took a horrendous step and actually
did it with
admirable grace.
I've talked above about the stages of
grief many parents go through,
including myself, when learning they have a gay, lesbian, bi-sexual
or
transgendered chld. In PFLAG we also see that
these parents often get to
another stage - celebration! Now I know it's
possible to get there with a
transsexual child, as well.
We think Allen is especially commendable for
his brave decision to be who
he is, to do it with little fanfare, to handle it without wanting to
burden
the family, to become again a happy, healthy contributing good
citizen, and
to teach us so much in the process. What parent could ask for
more! We love
him very much just the way he is and take great pride in our new son.
Nor
would I forego all I've learned in the process.
- - -
Mary Boenke is a retired psychotherapist and not-yet-retired activist,
with
masters degrees in both Social Work/Community Organization and Clinical
Psychology. She is also editing a book of writings by family
members of trans
persons. She may be reached at 540/890-3957 or maryboenke@aol.com.
TRANSSEXUALS IN PRISON
By Jessica Maria Brooks
There is no doubt that transsexualism is a very serious condition.
It is a
problem that can make friends and families abandon or forsake their
loved
ones. It causes discrimination in the work place. We get harassed by
most
of society and often enough, sadly, beaten or murdered ... simply because
of what we are.
And, sometimes those of us who can't handle the problems this condition
brings, psychologically or emotionally, commit suicide. There is great
pain
and an abundance of tragedy in the wake of transsexualism. But, what
most
people in our society fail to realize is that there are some of us,
also
transsexual, who have it far worse. Surely, those of us who suffer
the most
are the transsexuals who are in prison.
I am a transsexual and I am in prison. However, this article is not
about
me. I am merely the voice, speaking out on behalf of all of my fellow
brothers and sisters who are both transsexual, and in prison. The suffering
is horrible and must be stopped, but before anything can be done, people
outside these cold walls need to know the extent of he problem.
To begin with, the biggest problem transsexuals face when they come
to
prison is the very real threat of assault and rape. Some transsexuals
are
young and frail and they would be at great risk in a prison population.
Most, however, aren't necessarily little girls in appearance, but simply
women. We all know to what lengths we will go to create that passable
image
of femininity.
We feel we ARE women, and wish to present ourselves so others can see
the
image of ourselves as we see it in our own minds. This need is so
thoroughly embedded in our lives that there is little that will make
us
stop, regardless of the risk. We know that by going to work crossdressed
we
will be fired yet will still go in, trying to look our very best ...
as the
gender we identify with. And of course almost all the time we get fired.
Well darlings, in prison we will not be merely or shunned or cast out
of
the group we call our peers. Prison will kill you, plain and simple.
The best way to survive in a prison is anonymity. A male who presents
himself as a female in a men's prison is by no mean anonymous. You
couldn't
be more noticed if you had dipped your entire body in Dayglo yellow
paint.
And considering that the majority of prisoners have been locked away
for a
number of years and denied access to sexual activity with females,
they
will come to you for sexual release, and not all will ask politely.
I
apologize for the profanity but there is a saying often heard in this
environment: "Blood on my knife or shit on my dick." And in this
environment, It isn't hard to figure out the meaning.
There is little recourse for a problem like this. The majority of guards
and prison staff see us the same as most prisoners see us; as homosexuals
who want sex. They think that we are men who dress and live as women
simply
because we are gay and want to look sexually appealing to other men.
Thus,
in prison, presenting yourself as a female is taken as an invitation
for
sex. Trying to explain gender dysphoria to a six foot, 250 pound
Neanderthal who is in prison for murder is silly, to say the least.
If you have problems, you could bring it to the attention of the prison
guards or other staff but his will often give you the label "snitch"
or
rat, and these are mostly one of the lowest forms of prison life. It
is
like betraying your own kind. The rule is, simply, never tell on another
inmate or you will be in dire trouble. One can also request to be placed
in
a protective unit but this doesn't offer much more safety than in the
prison's general population. You are still exposed to the same risks,
only
on a slightly smaller scale.
Another serious problem for transsexual prisoners is medical treatment.
We
have several medical needs ranging from hormonal therapy to electrolysis,
psychotherapy to actual sex reassignment surgery. In our community
we have
often been aced with certain obstacles. Unknowledgeable or indifferent
medical practitioners, and in certain respects, even the Standards
of Care
have been an obstacle in obtaining treatment.
However, this is nothing compared to the often outright denial of all
aspects of medical treatment for our transsexualism when we come to
prison.
In New York State prisons there is a written policy that states basically
if a prisoner was receiving hormonal therapy prior to incarceration
hey
will be given a minimal, or 'maintenance" level of a similar hormonal
regimen, but only if they can also prove that they were taking it prior
to
incarceration.
This rule completely denies any other type of medical treatment for
gender
dysphoria and simultaneously denies all treatment to those who have
had
nothing, or those who have had hormones but cannot prove it. The remainder
will have to fight the prison for treatment. In fact, even those who
have
had hormones before prison and can prove it are also often denied
treatment. The prison system is that bad, believe me!
In order to fight for treatment the first step is to complain "denial
of
necessary medical treatment" in-house, meaning you have to take it
up with
the medical provider's superior first. If you are still denied, which
you
will be, you will be required to "exhaust administrative remedies"
before
you can proceed any further. In New York State there is what is called
the
Prison Grievance Program, which is for hearing general complaints of
and by
prisoners. If your grievance is denied you have to appeal to the
"superintendent" or prison warden and, if denied again, you have to
appeal
to the main office that hears grievances in the state capital, Albany.
Without exhausting these "remedies" no court of law will hear your
case.
They will deny and dismiss it based on that reason alone. So, for
procedure, that is how it's done. If you are denied all of these remedies
and forced to take your complaint to civil court, it is very
hard to win.
There are several things you have to prove to the court before they
will
grant what you want or need. Among them, you have to prove that you
are
indeed a transsexual, and that it is a recognized "serious medical
disorder." You have to prove that the treatment you seek is appropriate,
and is considered a medical necessity, and that here is no other type
of
minimal treatment that would be an adequate alternative to the treatment
you seek.
Plus, you have to prove that the treatment won't have a major effect
on the
security of the prison. For example, if you receive female hormones,
most
men will grow breast tissue. Most prisons perceive a male who lives
as a
woman as a risk to the security and general control and good order
of a
men's prison. Similarly, a male with average to large breasts would
be so
much more at risk because of the image it creates and the threat of
assault
and rape. The court could deny your entire civil case simply based
on that.
Another problem is certain forms of medical treatment that are considered
cosmetic, like breast implants. You would have to prove that, at least
in
your individual case, the lack of breast tissue is a serious medical
problem for you and that other than implants, there is no treatment
that
will give you breast growth, and implants are a medical necessity for
you.
Then there is the issue of general discrimination and harassment. We,
as
transsexuals, suffer this wherever we go or whatever we do. In prison,
it
is ten times worse. You will discriminated against in prison programs
or
jobs, events and special occasions by prison staff or organizations,
even
certain day to day activities like recreation or meals. It is not
impossible for a prisoner to be "forgotten" and left in his cell when
chow
was cracked out, simply because the guard who was supposed to open
the
cells for the mess hall was homophobic or simply didn't like that
particular prisoner.
And there are always both guards and prisoners who say whatever they
feel
like saying, no matter how offensive or emotionally painful. You have
to
experience it in order to know the feeling of sitting with your family
during a "visit" and having a guard or another prisoner saying profane
and
abusive things about you loudly and clear enough for everybody to hear.
In short there is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering for a
transsexual in prison and very little comfort or safety. After spending
a
short year in prison, most transsexuals will have forgotten what it
means
to actually be happy. The need to be comfortable and feel safe is so
strong
that happiness is all but forgotten. And a year is indeed quite short.
In
my case, I have almost ten years already in, with still another 28
years to
do. I admit that is a lot, and many other transsexuals in prison have
less
time than I.
However, there are some with even larger sentences. Whatever the case,
as
the prison system is across the country right now with little change
to
look forward to, even one day in prison is far too long for a transsexual.
I agree with the system as far as punishment. If you commit a crime,
you
should definitely do the time. When you break the law you should pay.
However, the system was originally designed to punish a person
proportionate to the crime they committed. You can't sentence a person
to
25 to life for stealing a radio from Sears.
Similarly, you can't sentence someone to 3 years in a maximum security
for
murder. In designing the penal system to mete out punishments to convicted
criminals, the courts decided that it was appropriate to consider the
amount of punishment suitable for the crime. They also consider not
only
lengths of sentences, but types of prisons, be it maximum security
or
minimum, or even work and temporary release programs and parole. In
so
doing they lightly consider the kinds of suffering that would be found
in
certain prisons.
But LIGHTLY. And they looked at this as if every convicted criminal,
regardless of their crime was the same. Unfortunately they are not.
It is
outright wrong, and quite immoral to place a feminine transsexual in
the
same prison as a man convicted of raping and killing a woman. There
is a
very strong possibility that the transsexual prisoner will be punished
a
great deal more than the sentencing court had anticipated. Worse, imagine
that same transsexual was in prison for stealing a radio. Scary, but
it
happens so often that it can be considered common practice.
It is an absolute necessity that changes be made in the placement and
care
of transsexuals introduced to the prison system. There are only a few
ways
to achieve this. The most important, and best suggestion is for each
individual state to have one prison, smaller than the state's average
prisons, and fill it with all of the prisoners that are transsexual,
trangendered, effeminate homosexuals, or prisoners who appear somewhat
feminine and could be vulnerable in most general prison populations.
A good policy would be to segregate such a facility so that no other
types
of prisoners who would be likely to cause problems for this unique
population could be allowed to transfer from the general population
prisons
to this one. Establish a system within the courts that, upon sentencing,
automatically sends that prisoner to the state's special facility if
the
sentencing judge feels, or becomes aware that the person is a transsexual,
or meets the criteria or placement in that facility.
As an additional suggestion, there are an abundance of prison guards
and
staff that also identify as transsexual, homosexual, or have conditions
of
a similar nature. They, too, suffer harassment and discrimination by
fellow
staff, and often enough from prisoners under their care. Staff the
entire
prison with those employees and there would be little need for sensitivity
training among prison staff.
There are plenty of avenues open for change, providing people are willing
to try. But nothing will ever get accomplished until people who can
start
the process come forward. And before people come forward, society needs
to
hear and understand just what the problems are. I hope writing this
article
can be the first step in this process.
Transsexual
Has Threatening Charge Dismissed in Court
By Charlene Warbeck
A TS who had false allegations
made against her; that led into a state police investigation/arrest has
been
cleared. Working as a Protective Services Police Officer in the State
of Connecticut Military Department, a
co-worker decided to play my personal clinical psychologist. Armed
with George Higgins, Ph.D. "professional"
medical opinion of defense on my stability; no threatening endangerment
to myself and others. While the charge was
against my still legal male name, I presented myself in Enfield Superior
Court as a transwoman. I was very well
received and respected as a transgender person by the chief prosecutor,
my female judge and my lawyer. My status
was not exposed (Pre-Op TS) to other court attendees; just another
woman with a court appearance…. Another
surprise on my behalf was the chief prosecutor's praise for my testimony
a few months back on a criminal case! It had
to do with my on-duty involvement on the detection and surveillance
on a person causing destruction of Air National
Guard property. September 16, 1998 I walked out into the afternoon
sunshine as a record free transwoman. In turn,
the chief prosecutor and the female judge received a letter of appreciation
the next day; case closed of my heartfelt
thanks…
Special Acknowledgements:
Attorney Joseph Paradiso
George Higgins of The Gender Identity Clinic of New England
Base Commander of the 103rd Fighter Wing
Subject: Mirrors
From Jerie:
Who was he? The strange man I the mirror. I never knew. I laughed with
him sometimes, cried with him more, yet I
never knew who he was. We often stared at each other but he never spoke
to me or betrayed his secrets to me.
I've heard that some people
believe the mirror holds their soul and provides them a short visitation
of it. Yet
each time I came to the mirror, I was met by this cold stranger. I
was forced by him to search within me to find my
soul.
After long searching I finally
came to her, sealed behind many walls and buried beneath tears and lies.
I looked
to her and cried, embracing her after so long. I began tending her
wounds and helped her from that place, giving her
freedom. She smiled and rose, filling me and embracing me. Now when
I meet the mirror, I see her and she smiles
tenderly to me. We share our thoughts and secrets. I speak fondly to
her and feel her reply.
But I wonder what happened
to the man in the mirror and who he was. I wish I could have known him
and
spoken to him. He is gone forever now. Perhaps he never existed, except
as the guardian protecting my soul until she
was strong enough to stand alone.
The Real Me
From Franci:
No one ever saw, or wanted to see
The real me.
I was hiding and sometimes sliding
From the real me.
No one ever found a reason
To take a moment or a season
To find the real me.
THE REAL ME
No one ever knew or wanted to know
The real me.
When you stood beside me, and somehow got inside me
And you found the real me.
You got through all the surprises
All those defenses and disguises
And found the real me.
THE REAL ME.
Your gentle touch made me strong
Showed me strength I had all along
And you made all those tangled pieced unwind
When you found the real me.
THE REAL ME.
When I look in the mirror
I no longer see the man I used to be
Now looking back at me, all I ever see is
THE REAL ME.
Soothing drones
of the editrix
Yo, Ho, Ho, Gimme Some o' dat Holiday Spirit…
...Two or three fingers aughta do it, for starters. For many of us,
myself included, putting the ethanol clutch to the
floor is an effective and time-honored way to deal with the Holiday
Blues that go along with all the garish Red, Green,
Silver, and Gold that went up..Lord, before Halloween, this year! (Sheesh!
I wonder why they don't just start putting
up Easter stuff right now, and Patriotic stuff with the first thaw?)
While some of us enjoy a good, or at least
improving, relationship with our families, many, if not most, of us
find the family gatherings of the Holiday Season
trying at best, very stressful or degrading at worst, and some of us
have no real relationship with our families at all,
and thus the Holidays are especially lonely and depressing. And for
many of us, our truest friend sits on a shelf, comes
in a bottle, and can't be purchased after 8pm or Bar Time, or on Sundays
in Southern New England.
I'm not going to make the
expected negative pitch about drinking, but rather, positively implore
each of us to
make a real and deliberate effort to reach out to each other during
this troubling and sometimes debilitating season.
For myself, as much as I love a good, (and expensive!) gin and tonic
(Bombay Sapphire and Schweppes, with
lime..hint, hint), I find it harder to drink while I'm holding someone's
hand, and harder still when I'm holding two. Call
or visit someone, or write a letter. You could even send a card. If
we all take someone's hand this season, we'll all
find it harder to drink instead. My bottle is empty, but I'm in no
hurry to replace it just yet. I expect to be busy for the
next month or so.
Newsoids and Year-end
Wrap-up, Other Stuph, and, well, Blah, Blah, Blah…
This year saw, for me, anyway, some of the most frequent and prominent
interaction, or at least dialogue, between
"us" and "them".
We saw the defrocking of two esteemed educators in our midst by The
Powers That Be, who, despite plenty of
positive support from the Masses, somehow deemed it necessary to destroy
someone's career for the sole reason of
gender identity. While one person lost a long-contested battle to keep
her position in my home haunts of Greater
New Haven, another of our dear friends was, to be quite frank, railroaded
into "voluntary retirement". (No pun
intended..oh, who am I kidding, of course I meant it; sorry, but I
just couldn't resist, somehow.)
Others of us wrestled back and forth with those who give us our daily
bread, and there were some positive advances,
and some one-on-one education as well. When I add it up, I think we
more or less broke even this year, though it is
always a very, very personal struggle. The best news is that all around,
it looks like it's generally getting better for
nearly everyone who had some employment issue this year.
On the media front, the TS/TG was probably more visible this year than
in any previous year, ever. Counting last
November's comprehensive article on John/Joan in Rolling Stone, it
seems we were in the news pretty much every
month over the last year, and in some pretty major media as well. TIME
(9 Nov 98) provides a thumbnail sketch of
the trials of Alex McClendon, the strikingly beautiful from Carrollton,
Ga., who is trying to live out her private
schooling as the girl she always knew she was. The popular news also
reported on NASCAR racer Terri O'Connell,
who plans to climb into the driver's seat again. (I know it's rude,
but I just can't help calling her a "drag racer"….)
And cable's respected A&E channel presented a very well done documentary
on us, now available for sale. In books
and music, publishing giant Houghton Mifflin put out a large, expensive
hardbound on famed jazz saxophonist Billy
Tipton, lifelong fulltime male impersonator who married five women,
two of whom seem to have never suspected.
A TG band played for David Letterman, and all sorts of celebrities
toyed openly, playfully, and, above all, positively,
with genderbending. "Ally McBeal" featured a lovable TG character (who,
sadly, met a TV end, but it's at least a
start, I guess), and the 23rd-Century denizens of "Star Trek" toyed
with gender, too. (Hmm. Don't you think Capt.
Janeway is butch?)
In legal and political circles, Gov. Pete Wilson made California the
second state, after Minnesota, to enshrine within
State Law the protection of gender identity. Rhode Island pulled such
legislation at the last second in order to ensure
passage of its gay rights law, but they also repealed the nation's
oldest and most severe sodomy law, and introduced
a bill for gay marriage, carrying with it obvious implications for
TGs. And the RI Alliance officially endorsed TG/TS
rights in its agenda. Meanwhile, P-FLAG National voted to include us
also in their very worthwhile work. Winning
the aid of gay-identified groups is, in my opinion, at least, a vital
factor in our continuing struggle. The anti-trans
grumbling I read in the gay press last year was seen not at all this
year, but instead replaced with numerous articles
endorsing our cause and pledging support. In particular, I'd like to
commend and thank Bay Windows columnist
Jennifer Vanasco, who framed and posed challenges to popular—and inadequate—notions
about sexuality and
gender, mostly within the gay communities, who need to understand us
in order to provide us meaningful support.
Vanasco made the early point that they don't really understand themselves
much better, so it's a learning curve for all
of us. And lastly in the political vein, GLAAD is paying a lot of attention
to our issues, particularly in media images.
Educational institutions seemed to slumber through most of all of this,
though students seemed more alert; must be the
gourmet coffee they all drink nowadays. Brown University students held
a month-long LGBT syposium that included
a panel of TG students, an appearance by gender activist Riki Anne
Wilchins, and a documentary on F2M Max
Valerio; sadly, the TG doc "You Don't Know Dick" was scheduled but
unavailable. Where was it? It was being
screened instead in Ithaca, at Cornell's weekend-long gender symposium.
And as of this writing, I've just learned that
Brown has a student group specifically for TGs. Yale added a Gender
Studies major in May, openly thumbing their
nose at outspoken critics, many within their own ranks, including some
alumni. Still, no other school seems to be
taking up the ball. Of course, if they keep kicking out TG/TS teachers
like they have been, they will get an education
unlike anything they probably imagined. At least one teacher, however,
successfully transitioned at school, in Iowa
City, one of a handful of municipalities which include us in their
civil rights laws. [The People's Democratic Republic
of] Cambridge is currently litigating a case against a local business
who fired a TG employee, in violation of the City's
broadly-worded law forbidding such discrimination. (Amazingly, the
company's argument is that the law violates their
rights!)
Medicine saw some changes and advances as well. There are now more
SRS surgeons than ever before, and they
are learning more from each other. Our visit from Dr. Ménard
showed us improvements in his technique. Dr. Sheila
Kirk's team has a newly refined one-step procedure. And Italian scientists
are preparing to perform the world's first
penis transplants, a promising advance for F2Ms worldwide. The introduction
of new drugs for virility and hair
growth also hold promise of a brighter future in SRS.
For myself, I was thrilled at the open challenges to paradigms of sexuality
and gender. Intersexuals fought for wider
recognition and respect, and most importantly, a neonatal hands-off
policy. From what we have learned about gender
identity in the last few decades, we are now fairly certain that it
cannot be firmly defined except by an individual
capable of expressing themselves personally. Likewise, in areas of
sexuality, popular assumptions are finally being
challenged to more adequately reflect the more complex reality of human
attraction.
Well, what does all of this augur for us over the next year? Well,
I think the media and the general population have
finally started to actually notice and think about us, and I think
that's a good thing. An odd factor is that while we do
definitely inspire deep repulsion in some people, most folks just seem
to very curious about us, and that's a good
thing, because this curiosity isn't tainted with any negative preconceptions.
On some level, they know instinctively that
trash talk TV is not reality, and they want to know the real truth
about us. Somehow, we've managed to stay below
the Religious Right's hate radar, and despite a massive resurgence
in antigay propaganda in recent months, not a peep
has come out of them about us.
I'm not sure how, but I think it could be an excellent opportunity
to indulge people's curiosity, and really educate
them. Most people, once they know the truth, seem to quickly realize
that we're quite sane, and that we really do
need help and understanding, and, most of all, accommodation. We've
got a hell of a long way to go, but as I look
back over the last year, I see a lot of ground covered. So keep your
chin up, girls. It helps the electrologist to see
better where she's sticking the zapper. …. wess