I would like to take the time to thank all of you who have supported the Twenty Newsletter through your contributions of articles. This is a forum for us and one way of keeping others informed or voicing our opinions is by submitting articles for publications. If you have anything that would be appreciated by other members, please feel free to submit them, otherwise, I will have to fill these pages with articles on model railroading and/or antique tractor restoration.

With the holiday season fast approaching, I would like to wish all a happy holiday.

To the Editor
I have not written to the editor since 1993, so this is long over due. In that time, several other editors have come and gone. In "93", I wrote after reading an editorial by Judy and was taken aback by the fact that no one had written to the editor during her watch and I think that she was probably a little miffed that no one could take the time to write when she was making a huge effort to get each issue out to all of us. I think that this is an experience that each of the following and preceding editors have probably gone through. I have been getting the newsletter since Judy had it and would like to thank her and also Kathy, Ann, and Michelle for their efforts to continue the lifeline that we all receive six times a year. I pay my dues and I look forward to getting my issues and I am sure the rest of the other subscribers do too. In the past, I have on occasion submitted a story and so have a few others. but over a three or four year period, I thought I would have seen a letter or something from some of the other ladies out there. I am sure no one else's life is anymore frantic than mine is. Mine is a sprawling mess most of the time and yet I have found the time to write this letter. This newsletter is for everyone and everyone has something to say or get off their mind now and then. So I hope at least a few that read this will get my point. If you are bashful to say it at one of the meetings, try a letter to the editor. I did and feel better for doing it. :-)

Kayleen

A small man stands before a mirror, looking for any signs of the treatment. He surveys his profile carefully for something different, anything different than yesterday. Dissatisfied with his slow progress, he untucks his faded blue shirt to make it fit just a bit more loosely around his awkward body. He wishes the treatment would somehow work faster. With a sigh, he glances one last time at the image and leaves the faculty lounge. He pauses for a moment in the hallway to put his dissatisfaction behind him before rushing into the classroom and greeting his students exuberantly.

With a sly grin, he opens a worn leather briefcase and takes out a large stack of papers. "I have your study guides for the final exam", he smirks, revealing the thick packets of information to the class. Amidst the groans of thirty college students, he hops from row to row, cheerfully handing out the papers. "Now, I'm not against bribes," he announces, "and I'm open to any compelling arguments for cutting out certain items. If you state a convincing enough case, you might be able to spare yourselves from a great deal of suffering."

Laughter fills the classroom as John Mullins returns to the front of the room and brushes a strand of long brown hair away from his youthful face. He paces across the room, periodically stopping to survey his profile in the window. To avoid further discouragement, he turns abruptly and progresses in the opposite direction.

With his hands buried deep in the pockets of his loose gray pants, he offers the students lively accounts of the Russian Revolution, replete with stories ranging from the infidelities of the royal family to the number of goats that died during a Bolshevik uprising. "I want to keep them on their toes," Mullins explains. "They wonder whether I'm making this utterly absurd information up, and that keeps them guessing."

Students often wonder about Mullins as well. At age 43, he has been approved to start the process for a sex change operation and is undergoing hormone treatments which have noticeably altered his physical appearance over the past few months. While these changes are often alarming to individuals trying to make a quiet transition from one gender to the other, Mullins views them as a source of intrigue for his students. "You can tell that students are trying to decide exactly who or what I am at the beginning of the semester. They wonder, 'Gee, is he gay? Is he crazy?' quite frankly it keeps them guessing about the nature of reality. It keeps them coming to class."

For most of his life, Mullins has endured a continuous struggle with his self-image. Born in Wethersfield in 1952, he was raised by parents who transcended traditional gender roles. "My mother was a good example of a non-stereotypical female. She was a very good carpenter - she could do gardening and woodworking. My father was an absolute disaster at all of these things."

Mullins had not witnessed many of the traditional social distinctions between males and females by the time he began elementary school. His first inclination of a difference came in third grade, when he joined the wrong line for the bathroom. "I remember the teacher correcting me and the embarrassment I felt when the other kids, male kids, laughed at the mistake. It was very distressing because I knew their was nothing wrong with me going to the girl's room." Most of Mullins' elementary school classmates accepted him until sixth grade, when they began to notice that he wasn't "quite right".

By seventh grade, Mullins had lost all but one of his friends. It was then that he realized what an outcast he had become. "All of the female friends that I had in elementary school realized that there was something profoundly wrong with me and that they would be social outcasts if the relationships we had developed continued, so all of them abandoned me but one." By the middle of seventh grade, the last of Mullins' Childhood friends had succumbed to peer pressure and left him. As a result, he spent much of the year talking to psychologists and "dancing on the edge of a nervous breakdown".

Another source of anxiety for Mullins was gym class. To avoid having to change his clothes in the locker room with other boys, he would try to arrive either very early or late and quickly change when no one was around. "I thought to myself, 'are they out of their minds? This is wrong. I can't believe they expect me to get undressed in front of all these other guys.'"

By high school, Mullins' confusion about his self-image developed into bitterness toward society. He had a friend, a boy who came from outside the system and was ridiculed for having an unusual name., and his view of humanity was becoming more and more cynical.

Stacie Strole, a long time friend of Mullins, encouraged him to have a sex change two years ago when he was contemplating suicide. She has noticed the differences in his physical appearance, but is not worried that it will interfere with their relationship. "John is always going to be the same person, regardless of whether he is a man or a woman. I can't imagine anything changing between us."

One individual who is having difficulty with Mullins' decision is his wife, Miriam. Married to him for the past four years, she knew he was a cross dresser and that he kept woman's clothing in a closet in the guest bedroom. But she never expected him to "up the ante" by making a permanent change, Mullins says. "She was under the assumption that her life was stable. She had the house, the yard, the garage - the stable predictable life stretching off to a quiet, dignified old age. In theory, she had no problem with my decision. But in another sense, she thought, "Why me?"

In accordance with Connecticut marriage laws, Mullins will have to get a divorce within the next two years. He would like to remarry sometime in the future, have a family, and "never talk about the past again". Mullins is aware that he may never find happiness, even after the process is complete. "I am not under the illusion that if I do this, the clouds will part, the sun will shine, and angels will sing hosannas on my forehead." "But", says Mullins, "for the first time in my life it will be possible for me to relax. It will be possible for me to be happy. There is no guarantee that it will happen, but I can assure you that without doing this, there is no guarantee that it never would have happened."

[This article first appeared in a slightly different form in a CCSU student publication]
Sharla M. Strole
Journalism
April 23, 1996

I was just thinking to myself about the change that has come over me after the simple act of painting my nails again. It seems that here lately I haven’t been doing the little things for myself that I used to do. I can’t remember the last bubble bath, so it has been far too long. My nails have been neglected much longer. Now it seems that everything is OK again. Everything is as it should be and has been all along. Somehow it’s as if I’ve become more of myself and I like how it feels. Looser. Freer.

The last few weeks I’ve become involved with other things that seem to have stolen all my attention and I stopped being charitable to myself. It’s a slow process that goes unnoticed while it is taking place in your life and being unnoticed, it grows by leaps and bounds.

Unless you do something accidentally or on purpose to trigger the real inner you to come to the surface, then the chances are that you will be caught up in a whirlwind that will prevent you from seeing the real beautiful you. Prevent you from experiencing the real and very sensuous self. The moment that you do something for you, your body and yourself will instantly respond to give you an immediate thank you.

These are the moments that allow you to touch and nurture the woman within. These are the moments that allow you to revel in the fact that you are a female. These are the moments that allow you to take the time to show love for the self. These are the moments a that allow you to become more of yourself. These are the moments that guide and create all the ones to follow.

So take a moment to remember that you are like a rose waiting to blossom with every act that you do to yourself.

After a discussion with a few people, I thought I should express an opinion or maybe it is an observation. Probably a combination of the two. I have thought and carried these two points around with me for some time now and I have a need to get them out in the open.

At a previous meeting, numbers were discussed at great length and not being up to par on this number counting, it made me ponder the importance of their value to me. It seemed at the time that others were concerned about their value also. Numbers being what they are, can have varying and interesting results when looked at. Sometimes scary and sometimes not.

At another meeting, studies were discussed at length and not being up to par on studying studies, it made me ponder the importance of their value to me. It seemed others were concerned about this also. Studies being what they are, also have varying and interesting results when looked at. These too can be scary or not.

I finally came up with the idea of putting both values together as numbers to show their importance to me and others like me. So then, I had to figure out how to do that. I mean, my God, there are complex numbers, imaginary numbers, irrational and rational ones, negative, positive, prime, real, even odd ones. I finally chose literal numbers. they even sounded like the right ones.

So off to work I went. I worked unceasingly and long into the night and the next day. Finally, algebra came to the rescue and using the "Five Golden Rules" for solving problems, I came upon the answer. A rather simple algebraic rule that could also be a conditional equation or identity equation.

Where N = any set of numbers
     and S = any study
     and I = I don't care

In other words, 1x1 =1. The value never changes and the result is always the same, I. So no matter what the terms are as a result of ingesting hormones the result is ultimately the same. For me, the choice was clear. Remain as I was and probably die or risk life and be who I always knew I was. From where I sit, it is more risky to drive a car than taking my pills. I won't be here forever. My brother never ate a hormone in his life but yet he died 10 years ago. What I am doing is not a choice but something I have to do to continue living. What other alternative is there? Speaking for myself, none.

Do not get me wrong here. Be and stay aware of your numbers and hopefully you will do this with your endocrinologist. I do this. Inform him or her about changes or symptoms you may experience. And above all , don't be afraid to ask questions. The doctor works for you.

My whole point is that numbers are not the focus in this situation. I believe that our focus should be on becoming integrated socially and emotionally in the life we have chosen to lead. That life is not an epicene type of existence but rather a life were you will live, breathe, think, move, feel and do as a woman in a woman's world. This is our goal. I think to live governed by the numbers rob one of the totality of this experience by planting the thought that this might not be working because the numbers don't read the way you were told they sold.

So I am left with only one thought. We were robbed of most of our true life, so live for the day and for yourself. Don't worry, be happy. :-)