Between us
and the people we'd like to be there stands a wall. This wall is comprised
of fears, self doubt, and people who tell us that things are impossible.
The September/October 1995 edition of TWENTY
The official newsletter of the Twenty
Club, Inc
P.O.Box 387, Hartford, CT 06141-0387
Newsletter submissions may be E-Mailed to 102655.2146@compuserve.com.,mailed
to The XX Club at our address shown above,or submitted at a club meeting.
Whenever possible, please submit contributions using any MS-DOS/Windows
word processor or ASCII format. Non-electronic submissions should be on
a 3.5" disk. The newsletter staff reserves the right to print only
submissions of relevance to the transsexual community. Due to various constraints,
submissions may not be printed immediately. The newsletter cannot be responsible
for returning submitted materials.
When submitting contributions, clearly state what personal information
youwant/don't want included with your article. Contributors' personal information
will remain confidential. Be sure to credit any sourcesappropriately. Photographs
must be accompanied by a signed release from all individuals shown.
The staff appreciates all contributions. All materials submitted will beconsidered for publication.
Hi There!
My name is Kathryn and I'm the editor of TWENTY, The Official
Newsletter of the XX Club. This is the on-line edition of the printed version
published once every 2 months. The next issue is due out sometime at the
end of December (maybe a little later due to the holidays).
In addition to the newsletter the XX Club offers a number of other publications which are now available on-line. Check out the XX Club Home Page for a complete listing.
I hope you find all that we have to offer useful and informative.
Enjoy
-Kathy-
Between us
and the people we'd like to be there stands a wall. This wall is comprised
of fears, self doubt, and people who tell us that things are impossible.
The man's way of dealing with this barrier is through force of personality. Effectively men head-butt the wall until it falls over. Unfortunately this does their head in. It also messes up their hair.
You and I are women, and we have other options available. The woman's way of knocking the wall over (without messing up an expensive hairdo) is to get her friends to come over and have a "wall destruction" party. If that doesn't work, she sits and waits for the wind to blow the wall over.
This normally works, but there are times when the wall hides a magical monster. It jumps over the wall, rampages in our lives, destroys our confidence and seeks to make us like it. When that happens we need to arm ourselves, make ourselves invisible, creep up on the monster and use magic to subdue it.
The weapons we have as women are those of compassion, understanding and politeness. We need to reach out to the monsters around us, and find out where they're coming from. We must find out what motivates them, what they want, and find out where their lair is. We must know when to stay out of the way, or when to engage. This is the secret of the use of weapons.
Now armed, we need to make ourselves invisible. We do this by physically fulfilling all the expectations of our gender role. Make up, hair, skirts, shoes. So equipped we look like any other woman. When that happens we disappear to the monster, although our friends can still see us. This is the secret of invisibility.
The way to creep up on a monster while invisible is to move with natural confidence, and to walk into his lair as if you do it everyday. When I want confidence, I wear nice underwear. This is a magic trick every woman knows. It is a secret only women understand.
All you need to do then is use magic to subdue the monster. The way you do this is to go in front of him, and say "here I am, this is me". While he's dealing with the shock of someone appearing from nowhere, you can tell him how much he means to you. You say, "I'm just like you, and I need something from you". This is the secret of subduing enemies.
Then you can ride on the monsters back, or walk holding his hand and together you can jump over the wall. Or get him to knock it over.
And live happily ever after.
Karen B.
By Jennifer Wells
or
"Jennifer, you know, you've accomplished something that I desperately wanted to do many years ago, but couldn't.", the slightly built blond woman with the bubbly personality was saying, as I regained my seat. It was August 1994. Kent, Ohio. My fraternity reunion. That's right, my fraternity reunion and only my second semi-formal dinner as a woman. I had attended Kent State University during the years, months and days just prior to the now famous riots; and lived in Kent for four years after that. For me this was more than a reunion, it was more of a confirmation.
What's that?", I asked, blushing from false modesty and thriving on the warm and positive feelings in which I was bathing at the moment. I was in a room full of people, many of whom were known to me less than 30 hours, and the rest I hadn't seen in more than twenty years.
"Several years ago, when I was at Penn State," she continued, "I tried to pledge TKE, but, being a woman they wouldn't consider me. There wasn't a little sister organization at that school either, so I was completely left out, but you've done it! I wish I had your strength." At first the way she said this made me think that she had forgotten, that I was transsexual, and was thinking of me only as a woman. I knew better, but it felt good to know that she and, from what I could tell, most of the other women there accepted me as a sister.
A semi-evil smirk crawled across my face, and shaking my head I heard myself saying, "You just went about it the wrong way Hon!".
On October 25, 1994 the St. Petersburg (Florida) Times ran an article by staff writer Marc Albright, a fraternity brother, who did an excellent job describing the reunion. The time frame of our attendance had been circa 1970 and the location Kent State University. The following is excerpted from that article:
"The reunion offered some insights into the weird odyssey Kent State students endured after the violence. But lurking beyond the tales of how a bunch of long-haired, baby boomers turned into lawyers, government bureaucrats and business executives, there were some New Age surprises.
The chapter's resident Barry Goldwater conservative is now a left leaning public school teacher in Orlando. Seven of the 140 people on the chapter's rolls have died. AIDS claimed three, more than any other disease. And one brother is now a sister - a 6 foot, 200-pound transsexual who pitched a mean afternoon softball game."
Ah, yes, the softball game. It was the alumni against the active chapter. Being mid-summer, the alumni out numbered the actives 3-1. Seeing that the wives and girl friends and other women had been left to root on the sidelines, and seeing this as unfair, I urged the organizers to give the women a chance to play as well. Given our chance to play, I was asked to catch (I dropped out of little league after one game as catcher when I was younger - it seems I was afraid of the "ball and bat" then, and still am now). Later, I was asked to pitch... something which I was also rather hesitant to do, after all my position had always been right field - nice and quiet. I was also a good hitter. So I pitched. As the first batter stepped to the plate, I was advised that he was a switch hitter. According to Albright's article:
"No problem," chirped Jennifer Wells, a divorced father of five. "I know all about switch-hitters."
I don't remember who won. That wasn't important. What was important was the camaraderie and acceptance for all there, by most everyone there. In spite of this, I was especially surprised by my acceptance among the women present who's company, I have to admit, I found more interesting, than that of my old colleagues. I found myself going shopping with one wife, chatting about diets and supplements with a clinical dietitian, about families with others, hormones and/or transsexualism with still others. But some tales merit telling. Following the game we were treated to a fantastic picnic. Getting a plate, I took a seat with a group of wives whom I hadn't previously met. The woman next to me introduced herself as the wife of a member who I hadn't known and in casual conversation asked, "and who's wife are you?"
I was surprised that by this time the second day she didn't know my story. The atmosphere had been very open and positive all day, so I replied, "I'm sorry, I'm not anyone's wife". Noticing her confused look I continued, "I'm a member of the fraternity", at which she looked even more confused, perhaps even betrayed by her husband who hadn't told her that there had been women members in this fraternity (there weren't). Quickly noticing her rising confusion, I continued, "I used to be one of the brothers!".
Suddenly it clicked, as she gasped, "OH!", and said nothing more. She made like she was going to mingle shortly thereafter and changed seats. I never did learn if she was more embarrassed for her error, upset that she didn't pick up on me before saying something, or disapproving. But this was probably the only even slightly negative incident of the whole trip.
Later that evening, my brothers made good on some twenty year old promises to serenade one couple who were "pinned" and installed as an active alumni one person who missed the opportunity when the riots closed the school twenty-four years earlier. I sat talking with the sister of the reunion organizer. We had a really enjoyable time, and I almost cried when she said, "You know Jennifer, I've been talking with a lot of the wives and other women here. Almost every one envies you for your courage, and as a group, they feel you present yourself as a role model of a very (emotionally) strong woman." I was speechless. Later still, one of the current active members who I had never had the chance to meet, wished me a good journey home saying, "we'll miss you, you really opened some people's minds!"
But there was another side, a personal side to this reunion that had nothing to do with fraternity - a reunion of soul. I had lived, learned and worked in this town for five years, married for the first time near here, parented three wonderful children in the nearby hospital and tried to build a family. We owned both a mobile home and a house. I found my first jobs outside my family here. I had been asked to become involved in local politics here. I had met my first real life failures here. My ex became the second person to learn about me here. I had ventured out as a woman for the first time in this town, only to be scared so badly that I didn't venture out again for fourteen years. And, while here, I began to question if something wasn't wrong, not with me, but with how I, as well as others, perceived transgendered people of which I thought I was the only one.
When my marriage failed, a huge piece of me died, and I blocked out much of this part of my life. On the day I arrived for the reunion, I took a long slow drive around these streets and this campus once so familiar, now so forgotten, and I found something I had lost. This woman was returning almost twenty years later to the day of her first big defeats. And she was returning triumphant over that which twenty years earlier had sought to defeat her. For almost two hours, I drove. Tears streamed shamelessly down my face as I realized that this day I had found a lost spark of life. That I could again become alive, and once again have a future.
I had come to this reunion as an out transsexual who is proud of who she is. Hoping to open some eyes, answer some questions and provide a positive alternative to what many people think. I feel I did this and more. I had tried to keep a sense of humor which many appreciated; and although I did nothing to confront or upset people, I know some were uncomfortable, and I was surprised by the fact that, those who I thought would be the most open minded were often the most bothered.
It was enjoyable to see how gracefully or not the old gang had aged and changed. But for me personally it gave me the chance to heal some old wounds and pick up a piece of my life which seemed strangely lost. It felt really wonderful. It was a truly beautiful weekend with a fantastic and special group of (more than) friends.
The semi-formal dinner Saturday night saw the scroll of members read. Each frater rose in turn to introduce themselves and briefly recite some anecdote about their past or present fraternity involvement or life. As my scroll number was called, I stood and proudly announced, "My name is Jennifer Wells, Iota Pi 113. I'm the first, only, and hopefully not the last, female member of Tau Kappa Epsilon Fraternity". Suddenly, the room exploded with cheers and a standing ovation as almost every woman present and many of my fraternity brothers congratulated me in their own way.
As Albright later summed it up:
"There was clearly a renewed bond here, a form of unconditional love that survived 24 years. People who couldn't stand each other two decades ago were close pals. Even Jennifer Wells found unanimous acceptance of her right to change genders."
Copyright 1994 - Jennifer Wells
A Short Story by Kayleen
Reach out and push the little buttons.
The little buttons are connected to some things inside.
From there they are, in turn, connected to things outside.
Outside, the things are connected to everything else.
Everything else is connected to me.
I am connected to you.
As such, we are all the same.
Your pain is mine and mine is yours.
My happiness is yours and yours is mine.
As women we have a connection that men can only wish for.
Our connection, our togetherness is our triumph over the hurt and desperation and loneliness that has embroiled and embattled our lives.
Our connection is the gift of giving support and the welcome relief of accepting support when needed. It is the gift of a shoulder to cry upon and the loving hug of an understanding friend. It is the comedy of life, offered to make us laugh and giggle every time we get together.
My connection was made through the XX Club and the newsletter TWENTY. Without the energy and the efforts of the people behind these project and the other participating members, I would not even be.
So SISTER, make a connection.
How can I express my thanks to you.
What in the world could I possibly do.
To express what I feel in my heart.
How do I begin, where do I start.
You were there when my journey had first begun.
You taught me to walk when I wanted to run.
When I fell you were there with a helping hand.
And when I would say I can't, you tenderly told me I can.
I will never forget your caring ways.
Or the comfort I found in the words you would say.
So if you should ever need a friend just look up and you will see.
That I will be there for you just as you were always there for me.
Kimberly A. Anderson
Anger - certainly one or the most difficult emotions to manage, can destroy family, social, business and spiritual relationships.
But anger can become a positive force in a person’s life.
Anger can be used to constructively right an injustice. A good example is MADD. Candy Lightner pushed all the way to the California state Supreme Court! She could have become depressed, developed ulcers, or just buried herself in her work, but to deal with grief and injustice she focused in on social action.
While not everyone can achieve such far reaching results, the energies we expend on anger can be used to create worthwhile changes in our personal life and relationships - even bring about social change.
Anger by definition is a feeling of extreme displeasure, hostility, indignation, or exasperation toward someone, something or a situation - the opposite of acceptance.
People who are unhappy with their position in life have a tendency to be angry. Often anger is the result of not accepting things which cannot be changed.
Three leading reasons for anger - injustice, hurt and frustration - are common among all gender conflicted individuals. When used negatively, this anger is directed at people, rather than injustice. We become angry with others for our hurts. We blame others for our own problems. While it is undeniable that our society sadly lacks an understanding and acceptance of the gender conflicted - negative expression of our anger never will engender their acceptance.
Some people convey anger utilizing varying degrees of rage, while other people are angry very quietly.
Passive anger, “the silent treatment” - withholding cooperation or acceptance - for example can be more destructive than more aggressive acts such as verbal and physical (non-violent outbursts. For instance, if someone is “never good enough” or if whatever the other person is doing “is not good enough” - that’s being quietly critical.
When anger is suppressed it can cause ulcers, heart disease, hypertension, head aches, back pain, and even in some cases cancer. Depression, guilt and fatigue commonly result from unresolved anger.
The root cause of most anger, in a word, is personal "expectations". Many of us expect way too much of ourselves, too much of other people, and too much of life in general! We say, "Why can’t I be more perfect?" or, "Why am I so ugly?" or, "Why aren’t other people doing exactly what I want them to do!" or in my case I can add, "Why does my family now reject me because I revealed to them my greatest source of anguish - the fact that I am gender conflicted? Am I not the same person they claimed to always love, before I shared my "secret" with them?"
Life is not always going to go smoothly. Be real! Because of my gender identity conflict I have been angry a lot! I have been quietly angry and sulked. I have been loudly angry and screamed at my vocal limit! All because I expected way too much of myself - family financial provider, conflict mediator, marvelous cook, super mom #2, exceptional photographer/producer, the consummate perfectionist... But I got to the point where I had to stop and say, “I just can’t do and be everything I want!” I realized, the need to accept my personal limitations in terms of time and energy, as well as my physical short-comings, and then set priorities. I am learning to accept society as they are and to realize that I can only enlighten one person at a time that their concept of me, as a gender conflicted person, is unjustified.
Victims of gender identity disorders, like the victims of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse, who have held in their anger, often need an opportunity to vent their emotions. This can be effectively accomplished within the controlled environment of a competent psychotherapist where it is safe to express anger and explore alternatives.
Most of all, give yourself time to think. We can’t solve our problems when we’re angry. Before we can initiate positive change in our life, we have to accept who we are, and we must accept others for who they are. Acceptance allows us to focus our energies on those areas of ourselves and life situations that we really can do something about. I personally believe that anything that happens to me is part of God’s plan. Faith helps here because it fits with all of who I am. But the most important point is - if we can accept ourselves - if we can accept and attempt to truly understand others - then and only then, can we redirect our anger into the energy we need to bring about positive personal and mutually beneficial social reform. Only then can we serve as understanding and compassionate examples of the fine people we really are.
The Connecticut self-Help Mutual Support Network
389 Whitney Ave., New Haven, CT 06511
(203) 789-7645
Non-profit CT state organization that has knowledge of over 400 support
groups of all types.
Connecticut Outreach Society
P.O.Box 163, Farmington, CT 06034
Meetings: 2nd Saturday and 4th Wednesday of each month in West Hartford,
CT
TS & TV Support and social group.
Crossroads of Buffalo
2316 Delaware Ave.
Suite 102, Buffalo, NY 14216
TS & TV Support Group.
Renaissance Education Association
P.O.Box 552, King of Prussia, PA 19406
(215) 630-1437
TV & TS Support Group and newsletter
TGIC - Transgenderists’ Independence Club
P.O.Box 13604, Albany, NY 12212-3604
(518) 436-4513 (Thursday 7-9pm)
TV & TS Support and social group.
The XX Club, Inc.
- “That’s Us!”
P.O.Box 387, Hartford, CT 06141-0387
TS Support group and newsletter
GICNE - Gender Identity Clinic of New England
68 Adelaid Rd., Manchester, CT 06040
(203) 646-8651
Provides coordinated services for help with attaining SRS through adherence
to the Benjamin Standards of Care.
Aegis - Chrysalis Quarterly
P.O.Box 33724, Decatur, GA 30033
(404) 939-0244 (evenings and weekends).
Publisher of a TS Newsletter.
HBIGDA
The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association, Inc.
The International associations of gender professionals. Establishes the
standards of care.
IFGE - International Foundation for Gender Education
TV/TS Tapestry Journal.
P.O.Box 367, Wayland, MA 01778
(617) 899-2212 and (617) 894-8340 (weekdays 2-10pm).
Provides communications medium, outreach device and networking facility
for entire TV/TS community. Publishes TV/TS Tapestry.
J2CP Information Service
P.O.Box 184, San Juan Capistrano, CT 93693
TS Information and referrals.
Ingersoll Center
1812 East Madison
Suite 106 Seattle, WA 98122-2843
Support for TS and TV. Provides coordinated services for help with attaining
SRS through adherence to the Benjamin Standards of Care.
The Eden society
P.O.Box 22742, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33335-2742
(305) 791-2476
TS Support.
